Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
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Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
When I snag the last meatball.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*