When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
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Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Print is alive and well!!!
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.