The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
You Might Also Like
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Science memes
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Home #decor warning.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?