Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
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*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.