It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
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Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
This took me a second..
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.