I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
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My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
You learn something every day
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.