Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
😩😩😩
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.