I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
You Might Also Like
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
🙋♀️
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?