shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
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[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.