Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
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True statement👍😏😁
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
There’s never enough good news
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax