20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
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just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.