devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
You Might Also Like
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
#parenting