Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
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Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
People buying plungers never look happy.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while