[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
what does he know…
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.