How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
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Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Some people were born into their job.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
wtf is a larm clock?
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.