You Might Also Like
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone