The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
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Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Thank you corporation very cool
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]