Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
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Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?