Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
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[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton