“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
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25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”