Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
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wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.