Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
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My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
President The Rock Obama
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.