Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
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My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
LOL!
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?