To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
You Might Also Like
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
He’s dead
“The Perfect Relationship”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.