[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
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wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas