My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
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What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?