“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
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This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
This why you should mind your business
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.