everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
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If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet