“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
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me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.