People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
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Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
how high up are we talkin’?
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
be careful