Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
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When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
😂😂😂
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars