I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
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[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep