The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
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Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I just ran a .003048K
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.