that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
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When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water