We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
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Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?