January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
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I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone