You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
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My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Still cracks me up
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
how to have an accident 101