GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
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*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too