Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
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@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.