Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
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Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
this post was so formative to me
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what