Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
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My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One of the best
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
anyone else like Italian cereal
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.