The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
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[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Pickled cat.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.