Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
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Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.