Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
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there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.