You Might Also Like
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).