50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
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[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf