me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president