“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
We avoided this particular disaster
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.