Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
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Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.