Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
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just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.